Travis Wilson has been active in the Leather/BDSM Community for over 20 years. He was a leader of Houston PEP for many years, and founded and was Chairman of the Houston S&M Ball for the first 8 Balls. He has been a speaker and presenter at many leather events for the past 10 years, and, as an attorney, has helped many Leather organizations with various legal issues.

Leather Leadership in a Changing World

1. Introduction

Good evening. I am thrilled and honored to be here. Several weeks ago, the folks putting this convention on asked me to tell them the title of my speech. I gave them the title "Leather Leadership in a Changing world" for a huge reason. Basically I was really not at all sure what my speech was going to be about, and I figured that, since our world is so constantly changing now days, that any thing I decided on could fit into this title. But the more I thought about it, the more I decided that it really did fit, in an honest way, with what I wanted to say. But before I begin that, I want to tell you a story. It is a story about something that happened to me early in life, and affected me greatly in my view of how I would lead my life.

Between my sophomore and junior year of high school, my family moved to St. Louis, Missouri. We lived that summer in a boarding house, and in that house, if you wanted to keep the peace; you went to church, every Sunday, at the church that the boarding house owners went to. It was fabulous. It was a very, very fundamentalist small church, and the minister was a wonderful Jimmy Swaggart type preacher. He walked up and down the isles, slammed his bibles, shouting, and pointed out individual parishioners as he called for people to come down for the closing Invitational. The most entertaining minister I have ever heard.

But the greatest thing was his sermons. He gave the same sermon every single Sunday. It had a different title, with a different basic theme each week. But it turned out to be the same sermon, over and over. And it was worth it, cause it was a great sermon. The minister talked every Sunday about how, in his early adulthood, he slept with wild women, and drank the devils whiskey. He committed every sin, and loved it. Until he woke up on his 35th birthday. And it was God that woke him up, showed him the light, converted him, made him give up sin, and he became a minister.

I loved it, and it affected me greatly, but not in the way that Rev. Whitehead intended. But I swear it would affect every 16-year-old male the same way. My whole feeling was "great, God is fair. If it was good enough for Whitehead, it has to be good enough for me. I can lead the life I want until I am 35, and then I can be "good". Of course, every 15 year old thinks 35 will never come, so it seemed like a whole life of great wild sex and fun.

I forgot about that summer for many years. I never, ever thought about it, as I got through school, got married, had a son, and moved on with a great life. But then it came. My 35th birthday. I woke up that morning, not awakened by God, but by fear. Fear that my life, the life I had grown to love, would have to come to an end, so my very first thought that morning was "not now God, just two more years".

My wonderful wife Vera, who, upon hearing those words, asked what I meant, swore that some day, on some birthday, she would hire a James Earl Jones stand in, and have lighting installed, so that I, too, could some day see the light and hear God say "Travis, it is time". Well, Vera passed away too early in life, and old Jimmie Earl never showed up with the light, and my life, including my life in Leather and BDSM has continued on in such a wonderful way, that every year, I wake up on my birthday, with the prayer on my lips, "not now God, just two more years."

One of the truly great things about my life the past few years has been being asked to give this speech. It is truly an honor and a privilege to be here before you tonight, and never have I used those words more sincerely. I have lived my entire adult life in awe of the type of thinkers and activists that have given these talks before me. I don't pretend to be in a category with the Vi Johnson's, Pat Califia's, Guy Baldwin's, and others who have stood before the attendees of the LLC to give this keynote address.

In fact, as someone who is simply never speechless, I was totally taken back and unable to even respond when Ted called me and asked me to give this talk. My first question, when I could finally respond, was the totally sincere question, "what's the matter Ted, the first team turn you down?"

I truly believe that, within our community, there are so many who have better minds, more experience, and greater wisdom then I have. People like my friend Jack Rinella, who is so full of ideas and wisdom, and so capable of articulating those things.

People like Master Skip and Master Steve of Butchmanns, so capable of touching the hearts and spirit of every listener. (When Steve gives talks, he makes all the women cry. I am working so hard on that, but somehow they seem to see right through me much better then they do him.)

People like Master Jim, with his depth of knowledge and love for the world of Leather.

Leather women like Lolita and Midori, with so much knowledge, so many ideas, and so much respect from this whole community.

These are the type of people that I go to for wisdom and ideas, for advice when I need it.

So I am truthfully touched beyond words to be here to talk to you now.

To begin my talk, I want to recognize one person, without whose love and support, I would never have been able to live my life as I have lived it the past 10 years. He has been my staunchest supporter, my wisest advisor, and my best friend. Please say hello to my son, Scott Wilson.

After getting over the shock of being asked to give this talk, I began the process of planning the speech. Yes, the question, "What to actually say". I first approached it like a school project. I was going to do research, ask others what issues mattered to them. I was going to hold a series of dinners to talk with folks I admired how about what they thought I should include, and what they thought the "cutting edge" issues were for our community. I was going to travel to visit out of town gurus, pick their brains, and steal their ideas.

So I started asking some folks that I really respect. And luckily, one of the first was Jack Rinella. He very wisely told me, "Travis, don't be stupid. Don't do research. Don't ask others what ideas matter to them. These folks asked you, because of who you are, because of what you have done, and what you have learned in your life in leather. They want to know what you have to say after your own journey. So tell them who you are, and what you believe."

So now I had to think, what did I know, what did I have to offer to a group of leather leaders. I have never seen myself as a great BDSM writer. I may have written some funny and maybe some interesting things, but hey, I am no John Warren, or Jay Wiseman, or Baldwin, or Rinella, or Bean.

I have never seen myself as "the man" of cutting edge BDSM leather ideas. Or as the epitome of a "leatherman", a great Master or a front line activist.

But finally, I realized that yes; there was something I had real experience with, and real ideas about. Something that might help some folks attending this LLC. What I have experience with and ideas about is leadership in the Leather/BDSM world. I have "been there/done that". I was at the head of the largest BDSM club in the Southwest for something like 8 years. I started several different groups, and began what was an internationally acclaimed BDSM event, the Houston S&M Ball. And let me tell you, as someone involved in the leadership of the leather community for the better part of a decade, I both envy and sympathize with those of you just beginning that journey. Maybe most because of what I see as my first topic on leadership in this changing world. Diversity.

2. Diversity and Choices

This is my speech, so I get to talk about what I like, and I want to talk to you about another one of my obsessions, golf. I was, for maybe 15 years, a "true golfer". I loved it, worked at it, obsessed over it. Golfers love to talk about the "golden age" of golf. When was it the best, when were the best golfers competing.

Men my age complain about the new high tech equipment. Large headed titanium composite drivers instead of beautiful persimmon headed wood clubs. We remember with a fondness born of youth, the old courses with their old, badly worn turf that we tore up with our old metal cleats. We argue that the best of times was when Jack Nicholas, Arnold Palmer, and Gary Player strutted the courses fighting in their prime.

My father's generation would argue for old hickory shafts, and debate the merits of Bryon Nelson, Sam Snead and Ben Hogan.

But let me tell you, the "Golden Age of Golf" is Now. Right Now. And the reason is diversity and choice. If one wants to hit an old persimmon driver, fine, they can. But you know what, fondly remembered or not, no one does it. And the reason is the new high tech stuff lets us play better, hit the ball farther and straighter, and we all use it. The new courses are better, prettier, and much less torn up because of the new style shoes with new style cleats.

And if you just have to root for a middle aged out of shape white golf professional, you can still do that, because they are still there, but you can also root for a black man, or a Hispanic man, or a Japanese man, or a Korean man, and the hottest Asian chicks this side of Midori play golf on the Women's Professional Golf Tour.

And I am here to tell you that the Golden Age of Leather/BDSM is here, and it is now. Right Now. Because we live in a great age of diversification and choices.

When I started my life in WIITWD, there was not the kind of diversity we have now. There were not the great events like the Houston S&M Ball that we just had last weekend, with about 2000 people in Leather or latex or corsets wielding whips and chains and floggers. I had nothing to do with this one and it was so much better then the 8 I worked on. I am so proud of the new generation of Houston leaders that made this happen.

We did not have Black Rose, or Thunder in the Mountains, or Beat me in St. Louis, or Tribal Fire or any of the almost weekly major events around the country that we can now attend. Most with wonderful presenters, fun parties, and vendors willing to sell us really quality toys at, believe me, relatively reasonable prices.

I am not the history buff that some in our community are, like Vi Johnson, Jack Rinella or Joseph Bean. I know that there was "theoretically" a leather/BDSM community that hets like me could be a part of. But let me tell you, from an old het boy, they were not open, easy to find, or very welcoming or inexpensive. I know. I looked.

As late as the late 1980's and early 1990's, if you did not live on the east coast near Eulenspiegel or on the west coast near Janus, you were going to have a hard time finding a fun, open, accepting "community".

But that is not true now. Thanks to a combination of forces, with the Internet being at the forefront, we now have BDSM/Leather clubs in every single major city, and in most decent sized towns all over this country. We have public meetings, play parties, yahoo chat lists, SIGS on every thing from Bondage to Transgenders, and all the Black Roses and Thunders that your pocket book can afford. If you still want your small, private, exclusive group, meeting in the back room of some smoky bar, well we have those too.

What we have now, in abundance, is Choice. In Houston, which is no different then most other large cities, we have large gateway groups, that hold meetings, bring in outside speakers and hold large play parties, and larger public events like that recent Houston S&M Ball.

We have clubs that are a bit smaller, but more intimate. With weekly meetings and twice monthly play parties. We have gay male groups, women's only groups, a fantasy/abduction group, a motorcycle whips and chains group, a The New Generation group, and one that I think is unique, an "Old Folks Group".

The Old Folks Group is interesting. It started because of the TNG. Many folks in Houston were opposed to TNG forming. They saw it as divisive. Some of us though were very in favor of it. We agreed that young people might well have a need to spend some of their BDSM time around other young people. To discuss their own special issues, and yes, rejoice in being around only young bodies for a while.

While discussing that issue, another old codger and I started joking that sure, the young folks need their time with other young people, but similarly, we old folks need our time with other old folks. We play differently, maybe some times harder, maybe sometimes more erotically. And some times we talk about different issues, such as how our arthritis bothers our whip hands or our golf games.

The interesting thing is which club is the most successful. TNG sent out a lot of announcements, held organizing meetings, and got lots of support, and they are struggling. The Old Folks Group, starting out almost as a joke, has totally through word of mouth, just exploded, with every month parties, and new people constantly asking to join.

So as a man on record in favor of gateway communities, let me say that there is a great deal to be gained by communities having a wonderful diversity in its organizations. And if you want to succeed as a leader in this new world of Leather, you better jump on that diversity band wagon, and help give your people more choices, better choices, so that they can more fully live the lives they truly want to live, and not just insist on living in the past.

3. Family

My next leadership idea is simply that of Family. The Leather/BDSM world can be a very divisive place. Full of egos, a community that feeds on itself. Doing a better job of harming ourselves then any coalition of Christian women could ever manage.

What I have strived to do over the last decade, and not alone, is to learn from the Baptists and the Mormons and help create within our community a sense of family.

We may be a family with squabbles between our lesbian sisters, and our gay brothers, and het couples, but a family nonetheless. One that pulls together, plays together, and works together.

You cannot create that on your own. There has been a strong effort on the part of many in the Houston community to do that.

Clay and Jean, the long time leaders of our local club EROS, have created a club that prides itself on its on family atmosphere. It strives always to work with other clubs to avoid strife and conflict. And they have done it for 7 years, working with Houston PEP, The New Club, and the Safari Club, so as to always build and never fracture out community. HPEP always helped every new club that opened. Never feeling competitive, always knowing that what helped one grow, helped the whole community.

And we never cared how many clubs you belonged to. Belong to HPEP and EROS, we did not care. Belong to EROS and the Safari club. No one cares. Belong to all of them, as most of us in Houston do, and that is fine. Just pick and choose what you want to do and when, and enjoy your life and enhance your own journey. No jealousy, no competition. All one large extended family composed of many smaller families.

How do you do it? One way is communication. Maybe the smartest thing I ever did was set up an email list off of my own website, www.houstonbdsm.com. I now have about 2000 folks on that list. It is not an interactive list. It is not for politics or debate, or discussion. It is real simple. I send out announcements. But somehow, for a long time, that list was special. Maybe a bit less now that every one, and each group has their own yahoo list. But for some reason, every one in Houston seems to want to stay on my list as well.

And our announcements are not just about the next BDSM event or SIG meeting or play party. We send out announcements about "our family". We recently had our latest "EROS Baby". Believe me our community cared more about the health of that wonderful mother and her new beautiful baby girl then we did about Heartwood flogs or Peter Jack whips.

(This is "NOW", a week after the speech. I just an hour ago sent out one of those announcements as the daughter of one of our community ladies needs to raise funds for a trip to a leadership conference. Before my email program had finished sending out the note, I had already received back 6 replies asking how they could help this family. This stuff works)

Last August I led a Motorcycle ride for our Whips and chains Motorcycle Club. A tragedy happened and a beautiful young man about 33 years old went down. He was in a coma for more then 6 weeks and is still in the hospital. Everyone in our community cried for him, and insisted on daily updates. They held prayer chains, lit candles, and sat vigils.

Two years ago one of our men who was just on the edge of our community came down with a horrible disease called Guillain Barre syndrome. A terrible disease that causes temporary paralysis all over the body. For about 3 months this young man was in the hospital with no insurance, and no way to pay his mortgage or other bills.

People came together in an amazing way. They again demanded constant updates.
They said their prayers, and sat their vigils and lit their candles, and more then that they paid a lot of his bills. Today, he is not "on the edge of our community" but is a wonderful leader of our Third Friday group giving back more then he got.

Three years ago we had a baby we call Baby Edward born to people in our community. Born with brain damage, that will never improve. This community still needs to hear about that child, and many still pray and care so much for his life.

When people in our community go to the hospital, we let the community know, and they get all the visitors, calls, and cards they can handle. Just ask Clay about his trips to the hospital for his heart issues.

When people in our community move, we send out notices, and others with pick up trucks or strong backs show up in mass to help them pack and move. We actually have some folks in our community that use this as their main connection to the public BDSM community. They may work nights so they cannot go to meetings or play parties, so they bring their truck and move someone.

We celebrate, as do other families, our births, our deaths, our marriages, our sicknesses. And if you, as a leather leader, can show that you not only encourage that in others, but are, yourself, a part of that family, I can think of nothing that can hold you in better stead.

I seldom disagree with my friend Jack Rinella, but I do on this. Jack and I were having a conversation last summer, and he told me a story about a leather leader that he was talking to. And this other leader got a call at about 2am from a member of his community crying about a domestic issue. Jack said that Leather leaders should not have to deal with those calls, and I could not disagree more. I agree with Colin Powell in his book on Leadership, where he said that when those we would lead no longer come to us with their personal problems, we have lost them as leaders.

We are not Shell Oil, and we are not Exxon or Bank of America. We are not large corporations whose purpose is to make great sums of money. We are groupings of friends with similar interests, and a common bond. Embrace those you would lead. Make them your family, and join them as part of theirs. Leading and following will follow quite nicely.

4. Vision

My next belief about leadership takes me back to the first George Bush presidency. One of the complaints about George H. W. Bush was that he lacked the "vision thing". People thought he was a competent guy. Capable and experienced, and he could be a good "caretaker" president. But where was his vision, and if he wanted to lead us, where did he want to take us.

Well for good or bad, we now know that he and his whole family seem to want to take us all to the sands of Iraq. But that is for another vision speech at another conference. Lets look at Leather BDSM visions.

I believe as a leather leader you need to have a vision and you need to be able to articulate it. Two years ago, Guy Baldwin gave a great speech here at the LLC, articulating some of his own vision. My experiences in leather had been radically different then Mr. Baldwin's, so I responded with a paper I called "An Inclusionist's answer to the Baldwin Speech".

Guy's speech hit a nerve and quickly went all around the country, on everybody's email list and chat group. It clearly expressed a "vision" that touched the hearts, minds and desires of many. But amazingly, that paper that I wrote for my own local lists and to go on my own website, took off like wild fire, too. Soon it was all over the Internet, also on every yahoo list, and many many websites. (Thank you Lolita). Because it too, apparently, stuck a chord and expressed a vision that resonated well with many in our community. And for some people, both seemingly contradictory papers seemed to resonate with various aspects of their own journeys.

When I got started in leather leadership, it was not about my Dark Parties, or LLC's. But I did have a very clear vision of what I wanted. In my 20's and 30's, there was no place in Texas and few in this country where a young man could go with a young woman that was fun, fetishy, even kind of clean, and with any BDSM at all. There were gay leather groups, and a few places in New York where we could go on trips. But I wanted to help build a community where young folks who loved Fetish and BDSM could go. Some place you could take your date or significant other, and know it would be wild, fun, exciting, and safe.

In my youth, there was nothing. When we started HPEP around 1990, thanks to Robert Dante and a few others willing to take a leap of faith, we were just a twice a month meeting at a diner in the Montrose area of Houston. We felt lucky if we could have 2 parties a year. Well that was not enough, but then, in 1991, I hit the mother load. I went to Dressing for Pleasure in New York and WOW.

I felt like the hick from the sticks. My first morning at that event I went down for breakfast and followed a young man in a full body blue rubber suit, being lead by a dominatrix in full leathers and thigh high spike heeled boots, and a riding crop. I was home. HOME. Finally, near my 40th birthday, I was home, and it was not in Texas. It was with several hundred leather and latex perverts in New York City.

That weekend totally changed my life. I met people and learned things, and more importantly, I now had a vision, my own vision of what I wanted to help build in Houston.

It took a long time, and lots of people, and lots of study, and lots of effort and cooperation.

In 1992 I threw my first play party in my home. I invited every single person in the state of Texas who I knew and whom I thought might like a Dress in Fetish S&M Play Party. And every single person I invited showed up. All 23 of them. We had all the champagne (the good stuff) we could drink, a concert class pianist to play music on my grand piano, and world-class food to eat. You walked into my house to naked women hanging from chains surrounded by candlelight in front of the fireplace.

This is all old hat to many of you now, but believe me it was hot stuff and ground breaking in Houston in 1991. Those parties were the fore runners to my Dark Parties. The last two of those parties had more then 150 attendees each, from more then 7 states. And the last S&M Ball had more then 2000 folks show up. But they both started with a vision born at Dressing for Pleasure.

I wanted it all. I met crossdressers and drag queens and loved them. I met latex fetish people and loved them. I found out that at heart, I am just an old leather S&M Whip top, but I wanted to be surrounded by all of it. And I shared that vision with others.

In 1995 we held the first Houston S&M Ball, and it was based on that vision. We were afraid we were alone, and no one else would show up. We presold 10 tickets, and were in a panic about failure. But when we got there the place was already packed, and those of us lucky enough to be on that stage that night and at every single Ball since, learned what rock stars feel like every night of their lives.

I stayed with HPEP and the Ball until June of 2001. We built what was at that time the largest BDSM club in the Southwest. We had huge fun meetings, great play parties attended by as many as 400 people, a Ball that had turned into a 3 day internationally acclaimed party, SIGS of every type, twice monthly education, with a ready stream of out of town presenters.

I woke up after the Ball in March of 2001 and realized something. Everything I wanted had come true. My vision had been completed. Every young kinky person in Houston could now do kinky things every single Friday night and every single Saturday night , 52 weekends out of every year, year end and year out. Great meetings, play parties, dinners and events.

And then I did what I believe good leaders need to do when their own vision is complete. I stepped down. I don't believe we make our communities great by old leaders holding on to power, and insisting that their visions continue unchanged. But rather while in power, we teach others how to find their own visions, and teach them how to gain the tools to achieve those visions, and then we step aside to let the new generation of leaders follow their own journey.

. (an "after the speech" aside here. You current leaders pay attention to this idea. This one single idea got one of the biggest rounds of applause of the night. There are new people out there ready to lead, with new and fresh ideas. Teach them, then let them lead.)

Now, not all visions are alike. Let me tell you about how I see the vision of another Houston leather leader. Clay of Eros. Clay may not even see himself as a leather leader, but he is. His vision is simple, and very cut and dried. He asks this question: "is what we are doing "fun". Or if it is educational, will it lead to "fun". Cause if it ain't "fun", then Clay is perfectly happy for you to do it. But he is taking a pass.

Now Clay is pretty varied in his idea of fun.

He throws the worlds best New Years Eve parties that even I won't compete with. He is, by nature or nurture, a pyromaniac and spends thousands of dollars on fireworks. So at his party there are fire works outside, and naked chicks in one room, naked guys in another and both types someplace else.

He throws Jam sessions about 4 times a year. Clay sings, some folks play saxs or trumpets, or drums, drinking Jack Daniels, and pretending they are Wynton or Miles. While at the same time there are those other rooms full of naked chicks and guys, and folks with floggers and whips.

He throws monthly parties at his home. (and when I say Clay, believe me I mean Clay and his lovely wife Jean, the June Cleaver of S&M). And every week he moderates the EROS discussion meetings.

His vision it seems to me is not "national in scope", but it is damn sure family. If you are a member of EROS, you are family. You will be and feel accepted, loved and you will, by God, have fun. And they have carried this simply philosophy for 7 years to be an outstanding, constantly growing group, with less strife, and infighting then any club I know.

If you want to be a leader, then have a reason to lead. Have a vision. It may just be that you see an organizational shortcoming and organization is your strong suit. It may be that you see a need for a new event in your community to help pull your community together. (And that is, in my opinion, the best reason for individual groups to throw events. It brings about cohesiveness and cooperation that can make your people sweat together and be much closer when the event is over then they ever were before it started.

Whatever your vision, have one, think about it, plan it. Don't be a leader just because you are smart or pretty, or want the prestige. Be a leader to lead, and believe me, your people will follow.

5. Trust your People with your own Journey

My next topic is hard to define, so I will just call it trusting those you would lead with your own journey. Sometimes, and I was often so guilty of this myself, it is easy to become an S&M or Leather Administrator, rather then an S&M or Leather "practitioner". We often lose track or step away from our own "Personal Journey" in our effort to build the community we seek. We begin to see planning a play party for others as more important then the real reasons we got into this life to begin with.

And even worse, sometimes we begin to see "holding onto " that leadership we have obtained as more important then our own personal growth. Let me advise against that. If there was ever a lifestyle that is more about the "journey" then about the "destination", then it is this wonderful lifestyle we now claim as our own.

Think of your own changes since you were a "rookie" or a "newbie". That famous game we all have played where we fill out forms on "limits" or "interests", and then read them back a year later and laugh at the changes we have undergone. How fast those changes come, and how quickly we can grow.

I had no clue I liked Drag Queens until my first Dressing for Pleasure. I went alone and would have had a very lonely time if not for finding out that the most fun partiers in the world were Drag Queens. They took me under their wings and gave me the fun time of my life.

Without the Leather Community I would never have met Master Steve of Butchmanns, or the incredible Master Skip from Los Angeles, or Jack Rinella, or Mike Geinzer, or Master Jim or so many more. And it would have been my life that would have been diminished for that lack, because each of those people and others like them has added depth to my life and wisdom to my own journey.

But too easily, when we become, in some part, responsible for others, we lose track of our own needs, and short change our own growth.

And sometimes that is because we do not trust those we lead and ask to trust us. We advise them to be themselves, and we often do not trust them to allow us to be our own authentic self.

I had a dear friend in Houston for many years. An active leader in the leather community. He was with two lovely women, in a poly lifestyle. To all the world he was very happy, Master to two beautiful slaves. Privately it was their own personal hell. You see, what he really wanted out of the scene was to be involved with young men. He wanted to collar some young man, play with him, lead him around on a leash. But he could not, simply because he did not trust out community, he was "afraid" of us. He felt we as a community would never accept this real him. He would never be seen as the solid "rock" of the community that he so wanted to be seen as.

The sad thing is others may not have known what the "lie" was, but we knew he was leading a lie. We saw his unhappiness, and the emptiness that he bore. When you are not real, when you are not your "authentic self", those around you that you wish to lead will see it. And they will not trust you the way you wish to be trusted, nor love you the way you may want to be loved. How can they trust you, if you are constantly living a lie.

If you want others to trust you, you have to start off trusting them. It is not a one way street, trust has to flow both ways. You cannot demand honesty as you lie about the very nature of who you are. You cannot demand respect of others if you do not give respect to them. And you cannot get their trust to help them in their leather journey if you don't trust them to help you with your own.

Every time I have stepped out of my own personal comfort zone and shared that growth experience with others, I have gained trust, never lost it. Let me give you some examples.

Years ago I wrote in my "Personal Journey" website (http://www.houstonbdsm.com/Personal%20Journey.html) about an Interesting Experiment that the lovely Sherri and I tried. We did a role reversal where I became the slave and she the master. We did not do it because either of us felt the need for that role, but more a chance to find out about those roles, and maybe the emotions that came with those roles. We did it for an undetermined amount of time, but it ended up lasting almost exactly one week. It was a very moving time in my life, and I shared it with many others. Never was there an issue about "Travis is a switch", or "what kind of "Master" becomes a slave. What I got in overwhelming abundance was support, curiosity, and love.

Two years ago at Black Rose, Fakir Musafar was there to do a ceremony where 17 people were to be pierced in their chest and then have cords attached to them and pulled on by a "guide " . Upon hearing about this I was about to say how ridiculous this sounded, and how could anyone want to have whale hooks jabbed into them and dance around while 250 people chanted and beat on drums. As so often happens in my life, what I planned to say is not at all what came out of my mouth, and what I actually said was: " my how interesting, I would love to do that." And I did.

The beautiful Cynthhia Wright was one of the Piercers. I went straight to her to be pierced. So she takes a hook something like the size of Egypt and jabs it into my chest. She then smiles sweetly at me and asks if I am ok. Again that silly thing I have about thinking one thing and saying something else comes out, so while I am thinking,"no, I am not ok, I hurt like hell, and I want to go home", what I actually said was. "Why yes, I am fine. You hit like a girl."

Ok, when you look up stupidity in the dictionary, there is a picture of me, saying to Cynthhia, as she has a mile long, 16 inch wide hook ready to jab into my chest, that she hits like a girl. She finished the job, and I danced, for a long time, as a bunch of hippie wannabes chanted and beat on drums. People all around me were having out of body experiences. Some women were actually having orgasms. Me, I was having pain, and plenty of it. I hurt. I wanted my mommy. I wanted to go home and watch the food channel. I wanted that damn music to stop, and those damn drums to quit. But you know what, I climbed that mountain, and I grew.

I then shared that growth, just as I did a year later at Camp Crucible when the wonderful young Leather Leader named Fifth Angel took a needle about the size of a Sequoia Tree and jammed it through both of my cheeks. But this time it was awesome. I felt like a tribal warrior. I felt powerful. I felt strong. For the first time in my BDSM experience I felt that endorphin rush. I literally felt the chemicals spread through my body. I was more then strong, I was fierce. I wanted to fight. I felt like Mike Tyson, wanting to beat up everyone. The problem is, that with this tree truck stuck through my cheeks, I sounded like Mike Tyson, and it is hard as hell to scare people when you walk around for six hours talking with an "ununderstandable lisp".

(If interested, the pic of me and this "tree trunk" is at http://www.houstonbdsm.com/Personal%20Journey%2024.html)

In all of these "journeys" I grew as a person. I opened myself to new experiences, but maybe most importantly I shared those experiences with others. I told them my fears, my pain, my joy, and they wrapped me in their arms and shared their experiences and journeys with me.

Your "family" will do the same for you. Do not burn out. Do not lose focus on your own growth. Do trust your people with your own personal journey and with your "authentic self". They will reward you with genuine trust and a deeper level of respect and devotion then you could ever dream of.

6. Competency

Now for an easy topic to discuss. Competency. Yea, be competent. Be knowledgeable. Learn your craft. You don't need to know everything about every toy, but be good at what you do in BDSM And, be good at the skills necessary to be a leader.

Be a good public speaker. If you are not, learn it. Learn some things about group dynamics and group organizations.

Keep up with more then your local scene. If things happen on a national scale, find out about them, because your people will come to you for guidance and information.

Travel if you can. Again, know more then just your local community. When I stepped down from HPEP, I told the new leadership that they did not need my wisdom, or "vision" now. But what they needed was my black book. I have a great one. Filled with the names and contact information of great people, people willing to help and teach. Meet these great leather leaders. Learn from them, see their strengths, plagiarize their ideas, and steal their plans for the future. Bring them home and share those ideas and plans with your own community.

We cannot all be original thinkers, but we can all learn how to take other peoples great ideas and make them our own.

7. Coming Out

I will speak gently of this next topic. Take it for what you will, and give to it what you can. I don't want any one to lose a job or their children because "old Trav" told them to "come out".

But this is truly one of those "changing times" issues. Great strides have been made in the gay and leather communities. The hopes springing from the Lawrence Vs Texas Supreme Court case have many of us excited but nervous. Excited for the potential, nervous for the backlash.

The anti-gay and anti-leather folk, the fundamentalist groups that see us all as the devil to be stopped, are not rolling up their tents and giving up. The more "we" win, the more "they" fight.

This is a time when some good, competent, law abiding people need to be "out". They need to be see as an "image" to counteract the vision that "they" want others to have of "us".

Will coming out be safe? I don't know. But let me tell you a story about my trip to New Orleans this past Wednesday night. I stopped at a Denny's between Vidor and Orange. Let me explain about Vidor and Orange. This is deep woods, red neck, racist, Texas. This is where the KKK is the liberal party, and diversity is Neapolitan ice cream.

When I went in, I asked to be seated in the back away from everyone as I was preparing a speech. The waitress, while walking me back, asked what type of speech. I was writing. I told her I was a lawyer giving a talk to a convention in new Orleans. The truth but not the whole truth.

She was not satisfied and several times, while bringing me coffee and food, kind of pestered me about the speech. So, finally, in another moment of verbal stupidity, I told her exactly what I was doing.

She then left and went over to the other waitresses and the manager. They all started talking, laughing, and staring at me, and the manager, who looked like an ex linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys, looked over at me and grinned. You know, the red neck, boy am I about to have fun, grin. Now remember, this is Vidor, Texas. I got worried. I began to think I was in for some non-consensual anal sex with the good old boys of the local chapter of the KKK. I kept expecting pick ups to arrive at the parking lot, and all I wanted was "out".

Then the waitress walks up to me, and says, and I swear this is an exact quote.
"You are a lawyer and you are going to talk to all these S&M people in New Orleans. Maybe you can answer me a question. There was this case in Texas about the government arresting two gay men for having anal sex. What business does the government have in what any people, gay or straight do in the privacy of their own bedroom".

I was floored. Then the manager came up and asked if I was really going to New Orleans to talk to S&M people. I said "sure" and he smiled and said, "great, my wife and I just love that stuff. I handcuff her to the bedpost all the time, she brings me the handcuffs. Sometimes we do it 2 or 3 times a week."

All I could say is "yea, I did it that often at when I was your age, too".

When I was raising my son, after the death of my wife in 1994, our home was the local dormitory. His counselor had told me that kids who lose a parent often go into a Black Hole of loneliness, so I wanted to do every thing I could to avoid that. We had Scott's friends over for "sleepovers" every single weekend and almost every night during the summer. We did this for 7 years. We did this while my home was basically a Play house, with BDSM equipment in several rooms and the garage a permanent dungeon.

At first I was worried about the boys and their parents. But it was simply never an issue. I talked to some of the parents of the boys who were there most often. No problem. The boys (and when they got older, the young ladies they brought to the house) simply took it all in stride and ignored it.

A wonderful night was the boy's freshmen year in college. They all went to different colleges and one of them went to the University of Houston. In his second semester he was in a fraternity and they held a scavenger hunt. Well, you know young men and fraternities and what they want to search for, so they listed all sorts of way out sexual items. My young friend brought about 6 young folks with him, men and women, and came straight to my house, and found every thing on the list in about 15 minutes. They had great fun, and won the hunt.

And every year I give at least 4 talks at the University of Houston Sex Education classes, talking about the Leather/BDSM lifestyle. I talk about what we do, why we may do it, and bring my toys and give some easy short demos. No issues, no fights, no struggles. Just great respect, and great fun.

So if it works fine at U of H. And fine for the U of H fraternity scavenger hunts, and my son, and his friends and their parents, and the waitress at Denny's in Vidor Texas, and yes, if it works for the leader of the United Nations Weapons of Mass destruction search team, then just maybe some of the rest of us can try to venture out of our own comfort zone.

For growth, both personal and organizational, comes outside of that comfort zone. Your leather forefathers and foremothers stepped outside of theirs, in more ways then we can imagine. Let us honor their courage with courage of our own.

8. NO PC

In 1995 I started my Dark Parties. I did it because it seemed to me that SSC was ruining EFS (exciting, fun, sexy). I wanted heat, and I wanted passion. I did not want a well lit play party with violet wands and DM's checking to see if someone accidentally wrapped a flog. I wanted my S&M hot, and my sex nasty, with blood and fistings as the first course, with interesting scenes to follow.

I had been to play parties where scenes were stopped because the bottom "screamed". They did not scream a safe word, they just screamed because someone got hurt.

Well "HELLO". For some of us, that is why we were there.

In some places we have taken an attitude that sexuality ruins the "purity" of BDSM or leather. Lord I hope so, cause I am one impure son of a bitch.

My dear friend Leo, the present President of GWNN tells a wonderful story about a conversation he had with a famous Leather leader. Leo was asking about being a mentor. You see, a very lovely young woman had come to the experienced, and quite attractive Leo and asked him to mentor her. Leo asked this leader if, as a mentor, it was acceptable to have sex with this woman.

The leader (who goes nameless as I have not asked his permission to share it) responded that no, absolutely it was not ok for Leo to have sex with this lady. It would be a horrible breach of trust. How could she ever trust him if he took advantage of her vulnerability and of his position?

Leo says, cool, he understands that. And asks if our intrepid leader has ever served as a mentor. He responds: "Sure. I am doing it right now. I am mentoring this young man now. He is awesome. He can deep throat me as well as I have ever had it and has a great huge cock himself."

Well, Leo is a bit taken back and stammers, "but, but I thought you said it was not ok for you to have sex with someone you are mentoring". Our leader says, "no, Leo. I said it was not ok for "you" to have sex with someone you are mentoring. You see, you are a new age, sensitive "Master". I am just an Old Guard Slut.

God Bless him, cause I am just a new guard slut myself.

JD Laufman gave a wonderful Keynote address to the Gwnn Bash in 2003, focusing on edge play. In that powerful talk, he spoke of the gay leathermen who first ventured into anal fisting many years ago. Their "journey" was not about safety, it was about passion. It was not about sanity, it was about orgasms. These were hot, passionate, brave sexual outlaws, and God bless them, bring their courage and passion back to this community.

I ask all of you into the "safety side" of this equation to yes, teach us. Teach us all you know of the risks we run. Teach us all you know of the safety issues. Make sure your people understand and know every risk that they might run. But do not be judgmental, prudish, or PC with your attitudes. Be like my motorcycle safety teacher.

Two years ago I had never set my legs over a motorcycle. I took the safety course, and learned from a very competent instructor all the risks that I should be facing. I learned about helmets, and alcohol, and speed. But after he taught me, he got out of my way and let me ride. Now, most of the time I wear a helmet. But if I am out at a rally, with some hot young babe on my back seat, and the sun in my face and the wind in what little hair I have left, rest assured I am riding free with no helmet, having a fabulous time. Let me be. I know the risk, I know the danger. I am a grown, intelligent adult, taking a known and calculated risk. I don't need your judgment.

We are not the "scene mothers". We are not the "scene judges". If a woman wants to be a real slut, lets not be the moral police that find yet one more reason or justification to shut off her sexuality. If people want to run risks that are, in truth, no more dangerous then climbing mountains or jumping out of perfectly good airplanes, or playing football, then honor and respect their decisions to push the envelopes for all of us. To some in the scene, sex, blood, pain, risk and excitement are more then fantasies. They are the air that we breathe. Let us Breathe.

If you throw large public parties, take what precautions you must to avoid legal issues. But remember that is about legal issues, not morality or S&M wisdom. .

Our Dark Sides are real. And they are why we are here. Give us the respect we deserve if you want us to respect and honor your choices in your own journey.

9. The importance of nice

Yes, there is an end to this speech and this is the last topic. I steal the title from an excellent Internet newsgroup writer named Steven Davis. "It is important to be nice until it is important to not be nice".

Being a leather leader is more often then not about being a servant, not a boss. Helping others find their way, and meet their needs is not about having your own way; it is about being of service. Being moderate is wonderful. I am the most cooperative guy I know. I want to cooperate ever single time I can. I give in whenever it is possible. I am the ultimate, Jimmy Carter type, "two sides to every issue" kind of guy.

But sometimes for everyone who wishes to be a leader, there will come a time when you are called upon to take a stand. You will be called upon to "not be nice". To show what you believe in, and to show how strong your beliefs really are. And if you ever want your folks to believe in you, respect you, trust you, you better not take a pass when it is your time to stand up.

Pick your fights carefully. Don't fight unless necessary. But when you must, then Do it.
Do it decisively. Do it openly. Do it honestly, with courage and truth.

I have had my share of those. Some of them have cost me friends. My last one was in Houston this past summer. It affected a whole community, and it hurt. But it had its affect, and for whatever reason, things are now maybe better then ever. New Clubs grew, and older clubs changed policies. Leaders emerged who showed real wisdom and strength, with their own new visions. We again have a community pulling together as a large wonderful family.

You to, if you are a leader will be called upon. It is these times that will make you the leader you are to be, that will define you. Everyone can lead when things are easy. But real leaders lead in time of crisis. It is simple. Nothing to it. Just risk every thing and do it with courage, guts, and honesty. Piece of cake.

10. Conclusion

So here is my challenge to you.

If you step into this role as a Leather leader, and you work to foster cooperation and a family feel. If you have a vision, and articulate it well. If you can find your own journey and see it through, and share that journey with your Leather family. If you can achieve competence as a Leather man or woman, and as a leader, honoring the traditions of the past, and the passions and heat of the present, and if you can do all of these things with courage and honesty.

Then you too, on your next birthday can wake up, look to the skies, and shout, "Not now god. Just two more years."

2004© Leather Leadership Conference, Inc.

 

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